Well...it's been a roller coaster of emotions the past couple of weeks but I made an important decision just a few days ago regarding my entry to the North Downs 100 miler.
I have pulled out....
This was in stark contrast to 4 weeks ago where I had completed a great 35 mile night run on the NDW course. I was feeling confident, fitness level was good and was 100% committed at attempting to run 100 miles.
After taking a 2-3 easy rest days to recover from this I had a 180 degree turn on how I was feeling. I started looking back over the past 2-3 months training and wasn't happy with what I saw. One thing stood out above all else...I was not happy with the quantity of long runs (20-30 miles) I had done. Although I had done a 9.5hr run during April and 4-5 runs in the 20-35 mile range my confidence just seemed to drain from me when I started looking at my training log. Although I had done ten or so 15-18 milers these really didn't provide me the confidence in my fitness to take on a run that could well go on for 24hrs plus.
Now I have a tendency to over analyse things and looking at numbers is probably the worst thing to do in this situation. Now there could be complex reasons why this is but I am not going to waste time talking about searching deep within my soul (I am not that type of person) to explore why I feel this way because in simple terms for me it boils down to one thing.
I did not have the confidence in myself based on the preparation I had done to take this challenge on with 100% commitment.
Looking at that comment I can see clearly that I had lost my bottle but it is the right decision at this point in time. There is time for another 100 miler in the future especially as the popularity continues to grow however for the remaining part of this year I am going to be focusing on building up my confidence.
One thing above all else though I that I must lose the fear of failing. It is this mental block that is stopping me moving forward and the key to unlock it is (for me) is better preparation but to also realise that there are some things you just cannot prepare for until you reach the gates i.e. running on empty and the legs feeling like stumps after 80+ miles.
So...lets get cracking and break down these walls!